Views of a Font Obsessive

The Views of a Font Obsessive

1

A little rant.

I know what you, my friend, are thinking. What? Is he even more of an idiot than I thought he was? Followed by, I hope he either visits his psychiatrists or his psychiatrists visit him.

But I am not the only one who is just a little teensy bit ahem, I shudder… selective about fonts?

Countless times I have seen the same old font being used for all sorts of miscellaneous documents, eg book reports, love letters, sick notes. Comic Sans. And I’m like, stop, STAHP! (Pardon the meme reference)

Comic Sans in itself is not a bad font. In fact, it’s a great font when used in the right context. For example, cheesy jokes.

What was Beethoven’s fifth favourite fruit?

Ba -na-na-na!

Yep, those kind of jokes. And maybe a picture book for 5 year olds. But I DON’T like seeing a entire History booklet with Comic Sans. (Totally not a directed remark.)

Another font I HATE to see overused is Times New Roman. Times New Roman, or simply Times, you will have met. It was designed for the Times newspaper, and looks pretty great on print. But put Times New Roman for a homemade greeting card, and the impression you are giving to the recipient is… I don’t care about your new baby arriving into this world so I’ve decided to use one of the blandest fonts ever made instead of a more suitable sans serif or Humanist font.

And that’s it for my little rant for now.

Aloha.

Welcome to the new blogofjchen

Dear all,

Today marks a key moment for blogofjchen.

Today, WE ARE REBORN!

We have a new and exciting minimalistic new look. blogofjchen features  brilliant sans serif fonts. It looks much cleaner. Introducing endless page. No more Page 2, Page 3, Page 4…

Channels are live. Comics are live. Forum is live. Please send feedback on the new look by commenting on this post.

And share!

Aloha.

 

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

Sorry for the delay in my, what is it again? A diary.

It’s because Rotten Joe stole my crappy laptop. Rotten Joe found a dead pigeon, and decided to eat it. However he is dim, and he thought he would make a sandwich.

Using my laptop as the bread. He tried to bite it but then his decayed and rotten teeth fell out. Mind you, my crappy laptop is now slightly dented.

The crappy laptop was broken, well it didn’t work, so I thought for a while why this was so.

Then I decided to pick the bits of dead bird out of the laptop. Bits of carcass were here and there, here and there, and they were jamming up the keyboard.I used a toothpick to pick the pieces of dead bird out.

The laptop came back on after I hit it hard twice. I think that helps with everything.

But then the laptop smelled of dead bird, and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought what my mum Mabel told me once.

“If summat smells like the moons gawn dawn, yoo pour dat water like yer life depend on its.”

So I decided to pour water on the laptop to wash it. However being a beggar on the streets and stealing free wifi of Burger Valley, I had no water. So I asked the other beggars if they had water.

Before you could say, “If summat smells like the moons gawn dawn, yoo pour dat water like yer life depend on its,” Rotten Joe had did a wee on the laptop. The laptop decided to break, and it stank of dead bird and wee. Then Rotten Joe got a tummy upset from eating raw bird and did diarrhea on the laptop.

So now, my laptop was broken, chewed, and stank of dead bird, pee and diarrhea.

Not fair.

I took my laptop to the people who called themselves PC speciasl- specialst- whatever, but they said it was something like “beyond repair”.

How is that possible. They should have been able to fix it.

And this is why I am writing this on Slim Tim’s stolen laptop. And this is why I have not written for a long time.

And this is why I have no laptop.

The Saga of Mudrella the Donkey

Farm Wars

The Saga of Mudrella the Donkey

Episode III

Revenge of the Edna

Mudrella was enjoying the farm. The other animals were all scared to annoy her because they didn’t want to suffer amnesia, mental illness and hearing problems.

5 cows, 7 chickens, 2 goats, 6 pigs and 18 ducks were wimpering inside of a small shed. They were compacted together like Cheerios in the box.

Mudrella was wandering around, chomping here, and chewing there. She felt free to defecate all over the other animals’ places of residence. This was the life! Just to make a point, she hawed, but not too loudly.

Back in the shed, the other animals shuddered.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Edna was discharged from hospital. She had suffered a heart attack, and had recovered. She was tired. She was also vengeful.

Mudrella was pacing around and defecating on the horses’ stable when Mr. McDonald the farmer in his broken tractor came into the drive at the top speed of 5 miles per hour. He was followed by Mrs. McDonald on her new shiny mobility scooter.

Mudrella saw that Edna Mcdonald was vengeful by the look on her face.

Edna pressed a big red button on her scooter. Blue flames shot out of it, and she charged at Mudrella.

Mudrella was in the stable, and shut the door.

Edna’s Epic Turbo Scooter crashed through the door and was almost going to run Mudrella over…

Mudrella uses her Attack.

Attack: SoundBlast

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Edna’s scooter grinded to a halt, before being blasted into the middle of the village.

As you can see she is still very vengeful.

Mudrella was safe for now as Edna is being checked for injuries at the clinic.

But the danger looms… what if Edna teams up with the horses… could Mudrella’s loud noises stop the evil villians?

To be continued….

The Untitled NIGHT Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

The Untitled NIGHT Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

Camp Night

It is really scary being homeless at night. It is usually quite scary, but last night, as I settled down on my biodegradable Tesco plastic bag, in the middle of town, I saw about 300 more homeless people camping outside this big shop.

Well, I thought that they were homeless. I couldn’t get to sleep and counting crocodiles didn’t seem to work, so I decided to go walkies.

I picked up all my belongings aka my crappy laptop, my rucksack with various bits and bobs in it, and my biodegradable (whatever that means) Tesco bag. I packed it because I stay near a hobo called Rotten Joe, and he loves stealing stuff.

I went over to the scene.

At closer inspection, the homeless people were actually pretty rich. They had luxury sleeping bags, and epic folding chairs with bottle holders. Many had portable fridges!!! I really wanted to sneak over and steal a can of Pepsi or summat, but unfortunately I didn’t dare. Some of the group were also playing on really thin laptops which had a fruit on it. Interesting.

Then I realised, why would rich people camp outside? It must’ve been…

The End of the World

Why? Coz maybe they were ready to flee when the ground opened up and billions of creepy fairies flew out and started destroying the planet.

I went back to my nook in front of a Virgin Media shop, trying not to go near Rotten Joe.

The next 7 hours were absolutely scary, every noise felt like the world was going to end…

I hope I will survive…

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

Day Four

I’ve earned a load of money! By a load of money, I mean £14.56!

Did you know how? I was in the town centre walking around doing nothing, and then I saw a homeless person holding a polystyrene cup while looking sad, and people gave him money!!!

So I went over and asked him how he managed to get so much money.

He looked at me and said, “Are you taking the mickey?” I don’t get it. What does ‘taking the mickey’ mean? I have heard of Mickey Mouse, but taking the mickey?

I didn’t get it… so I decided to use what I had learned. I sat down against a cold, rocky, hard, wall and got out my waterbottle.

After a minute, a man put in 5p.

Then, a woman put in 10p.

After about 5 hours, I looked into my cup and guess what?

Perception:

Reality:

I was practically rich! I went for a walk and saw performers getting much more money.

So I decided to open… Frankus Berrspoon’s Amazing You-Won’t-See-It-Anywhere-Else Singing Show.

Programme:   Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Barney the Dinosaur. Humpty Dumpty. Baa baa black sheep. Jack and Jill went up a hill.

I don’t think the public liked my programme, but I think it went wrong when I realised I couldn’t remember the lyrics.

About 25 toddlers started crying all at once. It was scary. Then their angry parents came and started slapping me in the face. My face still hurts…

What’s more, I couldn’t even continue as some Native American performers came and connected like 5 loudspeakers. I couldn’t even hear myself sing.

Anyhow, I still got £14.56. Still have no job, still living homeless, hope I will get employed soon.

To Be Continued…

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

Day Three

Unfortunately I haven’t got a new job, and I had no money to pay my rent, so I got kicked out my rented room.

Which kind of also means that I now can’t steal the wireless internet of the Jamaican pensioner upstairs.

So the reason why you can see this is because instead of stealing the Jamaican woman’s internet, I got an idea! Methinks, the Jamaican woman isn’t the only one with wireless internet!!!

So, methinks, I can steal other people’s internet!

So I thinks of a great plan. You know Chicken Place? They have ze wireless for ze customers, but I sits outside their front door, and guess what? I steal Chicken Place’s internet!!!

You know what I goes on? I goes on findajob.com! Findajob tells me there is a vacancy at Chicken Place!

At that moment, the manager comes and tells me off for stealing their precious internet with my crappy Windows 98 HP laptop.

Then, I am really clever, I slip in the fact that I am looking for a job as an assistant.

And guess what… he says, I will try out the job and we would see whether or not he would give me the job!

I really want to go back to my room and continue stealing the Jamaican woman’s internet, but I need rent, so I decided to work really really really really really really hard to impress Mr. Manager.

Today I was in charge of counting the pieces of fried chicken and putting them into boxes. It was really hard! I mean, I never passed any of my GCSEs and the last maths test I passed was when I was 9. It was my KS2 Basic Mathematical Skills. I barely passed.

Anyhow, how am I meant to count up to such a big number?

For example, Steve the till guy told me to count out 12 pieces of fried chicken. But I can only properly count to 10! So I tried to count, but I lost count when I got to about 5 or 6.

I randomly put in some more, and thought it was about 12, but 3 minutes later a furious man came and said he had been duped. What does duped mean? Anyway, it turns out I gave him 10 pieces instead of 12, and then he was absolutely angry and started throwing the fried chicken at me.

Then the manager told me to do my usual job of chip picking. But the floor was greasy, and I slipped and landed on a Nigerian man who was sitting eating a box of chicken wings.

I’ve heard he’s still in hospital.

Anyway, the manager then said I was “unsuitable” for the position.

So I got kicked out the outlet.

Tonight I guess I will be homeless.

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

Frankus Berrspoon’s (that’s me!) Diary

Day 2

Today I got promoted to being a Drinks Assistant, but not for long. It has stuff like pressing a button underneath some letters for the different drinks, and then the drink comes out! I wish I had one at home. It is magic. But it is really hard to use.

Like, today, a person wanted a Coca Cola. But how did I know if he wanted a Coca Cola or a Fanta, and I’m extremely scared that maybe, maybe if I press a button that says Coca Cola, Sprite will come out!!! It’s really hard being a Drinks Assistant. Because it’s really really hard, I messed up in lots of ways.

Today’s Drink Mess-ups at Burger Land Branch #79

Wanted Coca Cola. I gave them a Sprite.

Wanted Sprite. I gave them Fanta.

Wanted Oasis. I gave them Diet Coke.

Wanted Diet Coke. I gave them Coca Cola. (I got away because they are similar.)

But then a woman got angry that I gave her a Fanta instead of a Full Bean ChocoLatte . She poured her Fanta all over my face. Some of it went in my eyes and the acid hurt, but at least some went in my mouth. I love Fanta. The woman climbed over the counter, filled a large cup of Oasis and spilled it on me head. Now, I don’t really like Oasis, and some of it went in me mouth, so I spat it out and it went on her boots. She then screamed and started filling it with drink, and then she drenched me with it!

I was getting drenched, and me shirt was wet, so I threw burger boxes at her. My colleagues were wet as well, but not drenched, and they ran to the back. She kept soaking me with fizzy drink, and I lobbed all of the Burger boxes at her. They were small, so I got the Explorer Kidz Meal toys and threw them at her. They were made of plastic and she started screaming because I was hitting her on the head with them. I got up and started pouring drink on her as well. We were soaking each other with fizzy drinks, and we were making so much drink come out there was a small lake on the floor.

Then the drinks machine exploded, and it went on fire.It made a really loud noise, and the smoke from the burning drink machine triggered the alarm, which went off. Loads of customers who had been watching us having a water fight ran away, and the Centre Manager, the guy who runs the mall, came.

The angry woman pounced but she slipped and fell into the box of frozen burger buns. I think she went into a coma.

I got told off for “gross misconduct” and was fired.

Never mind. I’ll find another job.

Story – The Saga of Mudrella the Donkey

The Saga of Mudrella the Donkey

Part 2 – Attack of the Horses

Mrs. Edna McDonald of Pontrhydfendigaid was approaching her nineties, and had a weak heart.

Now, if a baby donkey bawled at you at over 120 decibels, you would be firstly shocked, and then your ears would hurt. Let me explain.

100 decibels is equivalent to the sound level in nightclubs apparently, and 110 is the sound of a construction site with jack hammers. Most people can’t even scream louder than 100 decibels, and that is also about the noise of an iPod at full blast with the headphones on.

Now… 130 decibels… it is close to the noise of an aeroplane taking off near you.

Now, if Edna McDonald had not decided to scream at 95 decibels, she would not have had to suffer from Mudrella screaming for 10 seconds.

Mr. McDonald had enough. He grabbed Mudrella and kicked her out the house.

Edna was unconscious again on the couch. Mr. McDonald poured some water on her head, but she didn’t wake up.

“Oh no! I need to get to the hospital!

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Mudrella was outside. The horses that had been partying because of Elly’s death were looking strangely at Mudrella now, because they had realised that they probably were never going to get peace and quiet because of Mudrella.

Then, they charged!!!

Just like the picture above they charged at Mudrella.

Time to unleash Mudrella’s secret weapon…

SoundSaber!

 

Mudrella howled at 170 decibels, instantly temporarily deafening the horses. One horse dropped to the floor, unconscious, because his little brain could not comprehend how something that small could scream that loud. Also, Mudrella seemed immune to the loud noise.

The two dazed horses’ mouths were foaming and they looked truly mad. They continued their charge.

Mudrella let burst at 175 decibels.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!

The horses looked demented and they charged on.

When they were about 2 metres away, Mudrella howled at 180 decibels.

Let’s get this straight. To anyone within a few metres, they would suffer permanent hearing loss. The sound waves would turn into shock waves, and the horses were both deafened and blasted away by the sound and shock waves.

They landed 6 metres away and didn’t get up.

The animals in the farm all suffered temporary hearing loss.

But for the two boisterous horses, they suffered permanent hearing loss, a huge migraine, broken bones by the shockwaves and a fear of donkeys.

part 3 soon…

The Untitled Diary of Frankus Berrspoon

Frankus Berrspoon’s Diary

Day 1

Hi. Is this a diry? Aparantlee, I rite here aboot the stuff I did toodaiy.

Sorry, I forgot to turn Autocorrect on. Anyway, this is my diary, and I think I am going to write some stuff about me.

I am Frankus Berrspoon, a proud assistant in Burger Land. I don’t know exactly what the word assistant means, but since what I do is fill paper cups with fizzy juice and pick chips off the floor, I think assistant means fizzy juice filler and chip picker.

Anyway, I think I was born about 25 years ago, but I forgot how old I am.

Hey, you know what? I am going to write what other people call a letter of complaint or something. You know what, this show on the magic box that I have at home said, the Olympics has been going for 3000 years.

But that is impossible! It is 2012, and there have only been 2012 years and I think 2012 is smaller than 3000 so how can this be possible? Because it has been 2012 years since time started and unless the Olympics started before time did, then the show on the magic box is wrong! I feel clever now, because for a change I’m right, and the guy on the show isn’t!

Today is my birthday, and my mother, Mrs. Berrspoon, gave me a book called Where’s Wally. I looked at it, and I don’t get it. I think it is a maths book, or something. It has lots of pictures, which makes me confused. Who is Wally? I think it is a maths book, anyway.

Anyway, I also got a flippy screen button thing which lets you play the internet. It is really epic and I didn’t get how you had to put your finger on the rectangle and push the buttons with the letters on them to write stuff. I learnt how to turn it on, and how to type. I am typing right now, and I forgot, I also learned how to do Autocorrect! Hopefully I’ll be able to do more stuff later.

Also, I was thinking, you know the speed of light, it is very fast, what about the speed of dark? Are devilled eggs evil?

And I’m really scared about something, if a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

I’ll try to think about those extremely fancy and hard questions.

Anyway, this is my first diary entry, and it’s taken me 4 hours to push the buttons in the right places. I’ll write some more soon.